I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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