i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sober January is a disaster.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
