A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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