Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
