I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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