Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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