Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
