Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
