His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
