Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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