I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Farmville is her only friend.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
