She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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