Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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