ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Randomize
