My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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