I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
