so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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