This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
