I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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