ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
im drinking this country out of the recession.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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