i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
