You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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