Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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