i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
