Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
