Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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