Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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