It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
