listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
