did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
