Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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