Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
love makes seman taste better
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
