I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
