I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
