Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
