My ATM looks so different sober.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
