Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
only you would photoshop your dick
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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