my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
