That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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