Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish i was in the wii world.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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