omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
