ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
