im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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