I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
