Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
