Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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