The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
