Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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