I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
