Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
soo... how was my night?
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