high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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