i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
