my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
