Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
