Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
