last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
