I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
