If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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