she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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