I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
