Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my being single is dangerous.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
