I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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