I just pynch a tree in the face
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Say something about gay babies.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
